Note: This is going to be a new series of mine. Where I want to share what’s going on with me. Just me. I wear many hats and I talk regularly about this on social media. Well the majority of them any way. But for this I want to focus on where I currently am in life, on this journey, and questions I am pondering or working on. My hope is maybe something in what I say or what I am working on or thinking about will help or inspire you. That’s all. That maybe how I work through things will help you. Or maybe let you see that you are not alone. We are all mirrors to each other, teachers to each other. So here is my mirror…
I Don’t Have all the Answers
As I sit down to write my current thoughts and what’s going on in the world of Liz it is the last week of September and the first day of Fall. Although you would only know that by the changing colors on the trees all around us. You wouldn’t know it by the temp of 85.
I have been reviewing memories in my mind these past few months. From Ethiopia to my last ultra race which was Tiger Claw in May. Balancing present moment awareness with memories of the past and thoughts of the future. I will tell you that it is a moment to moment work in progress. I am someone that is always observing and filing through what I see, what is going on in my life and around me, what I am meant to learn in order to move forward…so I have been thinking a lot about the following:
What’s my next race? Is it an ultra?
Will I ever run a 50 miler again? I say again loosely since I DNF’d Lake Sonoma.
Will I run a 100 miler?
My goals for 2020? This includes my life as well as my running as well as my business as well as my family.
Will I ever run a road marathon again?
I’m reading a lot about thru-hiking. Something is calling me to it. Is it the hiking or facing my fear of truly being alone in the woods?
Where am I with running right now? How do I feel about it?
Do I care if I ever get a PR again?
Will all the sensations in my body that come along for the run ever go away so I can run 100 miles?
Are we meant to stay in the house we live in or move somewhere else?
Menopause (what I like to call my 2nd puberty) and is this making me question everything and not feel good running lately?
I know, reading this over makes me think, how am I able to hold my head up with all this shit swirling around in it? My breathing and meditation helps. Which helps bring me back to the present moment. Because in this moment do I really need to figure it all out?
I use my gut and how it feels when I am looking at this list. Right now, running an ultra doesn’t feel good deep inside. We often know the answers to what we are seeking if we tune in and tune out. We know if something feels aligned or not. If we don’t we aren’t ready to know the answer. At least this is what I tell myself. What helps me. Yet, even though I know an ultra doesn’t feel right in this moment I have a tough time seeing others training and running long on trail for an ultra. I know. Doesn’t make sense. But it’s the truth. That’s where bringing myself back to the present moment through my breathing and meditation helps.
My coaches (Bj & Jess Yogi Triathlete ) often say, “Open to everything, attached to nothing.” So I am working on being open. Being attached to nothing. I’m being open but wish at the same time the Universe would give me just one answer or some type of sign. Or maybe it is and I’m not ready to see it.
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